Witness and Confess

i am an onion. you are an onion.

2012-02-04T18:21:00.001-08:00

we are onions.

how he loves us

2011-08-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

or in spanish : como el nos ama.

dear God,

i'm back. thank you for accepting me back into your presence, yet again.
I want to be able to tell you all the things I've been telling so many people in the past week, but I know that you know the words I am going to say and you know the thoughts that I have thought... and all I can say is.. i'm sorry.

I let the bitterness of my heart get the best of me and I gave over my mind to it. I was bitter against your people, and the church in which you have blessed me with. I was sick and tired of it all God, but what I really found and realized was that I was sick of myself. I was sick of the way I bowed down to the people around me, and oh so nicely gave in to the requests that were tossed my way. "Yes" and "Of Course" were my answers until one day, I had had enough of it all. My innate selfishness had come out to play and it was not going to be obedient and go home to sleep after a long day of wandering around-it was here to stay. It said so many things like, "I refuse to be treated like this" or "I deserve so much better, screw this shit."

All I could think of was how my life was being effected by everything going on around me. I wanted my life to hold value, I wanted to travel, I wanted to be fashionable, I wanted people to know me, I wanted to show complete strangers that I am someone if they just took one look at me. But what is all of this? The center of it all is me. But what is the value of all of this? I thought I was finally free; free of anyone telling me what to do and free of a what seemed to be now a cult-ish organization that was trying to take advantage of my blind obedience. But after just a few days, I felt strange. I didn't want to go about labeling myself as feeling sinful, miserable because of my sin, or guilty. No-I refuse labels. Don't you dare call me rebellious or lost, because I know what i'm doing-or at least, that's what I thought. Just after a few days... I felt strange. What was that feeling? It was no feeling, but some sort of conflict inside my gut. There was pressure everywhere inside and something was trying to come out a winner. Unfortunately, no matter how anti conformist and politically correct I wanted to be about labels, I knew deep inside my head and my heart that there was something waging inside me: demons. These demons were different than any I have felt before. They did not resist to Bible study, nor make me feel sick to my stomach when entering the church on Sunday morning. These demons were smart, and knew that they probably weren't leaving for a while. They knew me and they knew my state of being. No matter, it still felt strange and I let them stay as I just let the days pass, but after these few days, I wanted them out, no, I needed them out. So I allowed myself to talk to people, the exact people who I held bitterness against. I poured out everything I was feeling and I didn't let them take the same tone with me again. I made good arguments and they accepted them. This was surprising and a quite different outcome than how the demons were telling me. They were telling me that these people are stones and do not move, but these people listened to me, understood me, and tried to help me. What's so wrong with that?

Then I came to a realization that maybe... just maybe I was being wrong too. Was my reaction too strong? No way- I was right; I was completely and utterly right, there is no way that I could be wrong. But as I thought about this more, I knew that I was wrong too. But against who... who is this whole thing about anyway?

This was all about you, God. These battles waged inside of me, were all about you and how I couldn't serve you because you weren't real enough to me. Without anyone telling me what to do anymore or being "freed" from my reign of terror, there wasn't any reason for me to believe in you and the doubts came piling in. But these doubts led to the demons coming in and nesting inside.

I realized that I needed to look at things differently and have a different perspective.
I came to know that I just want to know the truth-the real way to live.
So here I am, God, honest and rugged. I just want to seek you, God, and know what you are all about.. and know more about you. I have no idea where this will take me, but tonight you lead me to talk to wonderful people who lead me to wonderful things and I came to listen to such wonderful words that hit my soul and vibrated all throughout my body, making me know that you are real God. Maybe not to the full extent, but I know that you are real and that you do love me. You lack nothing, and when I am in line with your Spirit, I do not lack anything as well. God, I repent of my bitterness against those people, I want to let go of all of that and just be free in seeking you. Because in you, I am free, completely free.

I Keep Moving Around

2011-06-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

"My life is like a roller coaster"
-Best cliche but true phrase ever (for my life, at least).

Why can't I ever feel like I am in the right place.
When I'm high I know I can't enjoy it because of the knowledge of a low that's soon to come.
When I'm low, it's hard to see that I can be up again.
And when I'm stuck in a loop is when everything had just gone wrong.

I am taking part of it all.

This techno generation is draining the life out of me

2011-06-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

This techno generation is draining the life out of me- yes I just used the title of this post as my opening line.

I guess "techno" is short for "technological". Anyway point is-my soul is shrinking even smaller than it is as I type in this super random blog entry. So this is my story:

So this morning it's like really dark outside and in the first thing I remember is hearing in the far off distant land the most annoying noise on earth, why it's my alarm of course!

And then after I finally am able to keep my eyes open for more than 3 seconds I turn the data on on my phone and check the weather and then I go and do whatever it is to get "ready" for the day.

I also have to use the internet on my phone to check when the bus is coming and when I do get on the bus I'm already pulling out my iPod to zone out.

I get to work and waste the whole morning on youtube.
Well that was a waste of time only because I didn't feel satisfied inside, like, you know, inside my soul.

So I tweeted about it.
That didn't make me feel any better.

And then I go to class. I actually look forward to it so that I can get something productive done.
But NO- I pull out my laptop and start chatting with my best bud until class starts.

Class starts and I'm like, taking notes. But even where I write my notes is connected to the internet (evernote, it's awesome)!

Class is over and then I eat some pasta for lunch and head over to the library to "study".
I look forward to it because I'll actually be looking at a book instead of some type of screen.

BUT NOO-I pull out my laptop againnnn and what do I go to? Twitter and youtube. I actually even watched a video of bieber's terrible acting. I posted a hater comment and then went on to watch other pointless videos.

This was NOT A GOOD DAY.
In fact, I am very angry about it.

Ok, well, no one reads this so i'm not too concerned about the terrible grammar goin' on here.
So i'll just leave this random rant/post with this: I refuse to become some sort of human that is going to be swallowed up by technology. If that happens, I'll just become some sort of robot. The more I get absorbed in this information age, the more my soul seems to disappear and everything that I once invested my time to loses its meaning. I refuse! I learned my lesson.

ok i've given up on this post.
bye.

arise, uh-rise

2011-05-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about waking up in the morning.

Why does it feel so terrible?

Why do my eyes feel like they're blind whenever I try to open them?

Why do I feel instantly okay the moment I finally decide to get out of bed?

WHY.

I guess there is one answer to these questions.
And I know that it has something to do with looking forward to what lies ahead.
I guess I just didn't have anything to look forward to.

For the longest time, I've been content with my stagnant life.
I would be perfectly happy with making my life dependent on what people around me tell to do.

But recently I realized that this is not living. This is not why I am on this earth.
Like a robot, just feeding on direction from other imperfect beings and carrying them out without hesitation.
One day, I got angry when these imperfect beings yelled at me and then I was more confused than angry and finally just really sad and pitiful.
Is this my life? Just listening to people and doing what they say to get rebuke in return?
These people thought they were helping me, but they didn't know me and didn't want to know me- they just assumed things about me and moved on.

But then again, I really didn't have a "me" that these people could get to know because I was too busy trying to please them, too busy pleasing my own carnal desires.
For nineteen years what everyone else did defined me.

Now, there is no more blind submission in me but there is a desire to seek out the One who created me, set me on this earth and get to know Him more.
I got nowhere trying to be just a dweller, making my actions depend on what the world demanded of me.
So now, I turn around and cut off the world's demands and make none in return.
Simply put, I am finding myself, but not through the perspective of my own eyes but through God's eyes, the One who created me.

I'm going to find my meaning of this life given to me.
I'm going to find myself-no matter how cliche and dumb it sounds.

This is something to look forward to.

__

2011-04-12T20:35:00.001-07:00

i'm just tired of it all.

too late.

shoulder pains

2011-04-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

i have shoulder pains.
it feels tense. they're giving me a migraine. makes me want to give up.

isn't it interesting , that doing nothing produces stress and doing much produces endorphins, which in turn, produces a sense (may be false) of joy and accomplishment . ?

I've been doing absolutely nothing for the past 1.5 weeks and it feels like crap. There's a stress monster following me, climbing unto my shoulders and gripping them strongly with its claws. I'm dying. I don't know if i can make it.

I need to start doing something. Make this pain go away. Cut the tension out of my life.
Why can't I just do something? I fear that in doing so, my failures and untouched "to-do/s" will spring out at me and stab me in the heart. I'm scared of success, because most probably, everything will fall apart. So, what's the point in trying in the first place?

goals. I need goals. a goal. I need a goal. I need. . a vision. something with a hook to pull me out of this muck.

I live with my parents

2011-03-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

Dark.

~~I am suddenly~~ I wake up to the sound of my mother's ~~alarmed~~ shouts, "6:30! 6:30!" Crap.
In my frantic fury I climb down the ladder of my bed, switch on the light, and take a quick look at the clock: 4 AM. Less frantic and more furious, I pretend-choke her; she laughs-I laugh inside. I get a glass of water. discomfort. I stand a while in the kitchen, realizing the opportunity to do so many things: take a shower, do the laundry, take some time for myself. I shrug this off and climb back up the ladder for another chance at peace.

Lighter.

Brring. Brring. The sound of my father calling me to wake up. He is in the other room. I look down to find an illuminating 6:15 staring up at me. Shoot. I only have weird socks left to wear. My hair is so greasy. I climb down the ladder, grab my phone, and immediately lie down on the couch, ~~falling~~ resting on a bunched up blanket. 6:21. 20 minutes left to be presentable for the rest of the day. No time left. ~~to be nothing. time. time to get moving.~~ Walking to the bathroom, my dog meets me halfway. "oh, hey". ~~pet pet pet~~ I pat him on the head. "Oh, you're soft" I indulge in petting him for 20 seconds more. His tail starts wagging like crazy. At least ~~I'll make one~~ I made someone happy today. Bathroom: Brush spit, rinse, lather, rinse. A look in the mirror, naked face. Room: tshirt, sweater, jeans, extremely long socks-eyeliner, curl, mascara, eyebrows? no-coat,scarf,backpack-6:41-sunrise.

Abandoned..

2010-12-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

..is what i've done to this blog.

Alas- all is not in vain.

So- it's certainly been a while since I last spilled my guts out to the world wide web (a.k.a "www" in the www.google.com?).

~~Recent~~ Happenings from the last 5 months: Got a job. My first job actually. Being a teller at Foster Bank. Every time I work, I serve Korean and occasional Foreign (non-Korean: oh the.. irony) customers. They bring cash, checks, money orders, and I take it from them and deposit it into their bank accounts. After each deposit, I ask them the question "Would you like your balance?" or in Korean: "Balance-uh teurul gah yo?" which is the equivalent of asking the question: "Would you like fries with that?" As months of mindless depositing and cash-outs passed by and I came to realize that although my job is important to all the people who so trustingly give me their forms of money to deposit- I on the other hand do not do so with such importance.
-I wrote this like 5 months ago. So i definitely forgot the point that i was attempting to ... show.. display.. whatever.-

Anyway.

Recent Happenings: Got a job. My second job after my prestigious occupation of being a bank teller, I am now an upright Library Aide at the University of Illinois at Chicago's Library of Health Sciences- Serials Unit.
What do I do day in and day out? Walk in- stamp journals - finish other small errands and sit down and blog about nonsensical things all the day long. Thank God for this job- I didn't think dream jobs like this truly existed.

*Now if someone is actually reading this... you might want to stop reading here because I kind of go on a rant about snow. *

So. Fall 2010 is almost over. In a week, actually and I will have a temporary freedom to do whatever I please (uhoh- watch out world! meh...) Winter is basically here *I warned you, you can stop reading right about here *because the calendar says so- It says that it's December now.. okay. People around me are weird- they say weird things like: "Oh, I wanted to wake up and see snow on the ground" "Oh I want snow to fall down from the sky" "Oh I love snow, because I don't think about what snow will turn into 10 weeks after it hits the ground". Cynical? Okay, maybe a little bit but I don't see the big deal. Snow is a pain- it makes my small wardrobe shrink back to always being only my coat and stupid generic ugg boots that I bought-which are definitely not waterproof, by the way. Snow can make people slip on the roads, giving them unnecessary rapid heart palpitations and great injuries as well. Sigh. People like to throw snow in each other's faces; and they pretend like it's cotton being smashed into their face, when in actuality, it's ironically burning your face-you know, when something is so cold, it starts to feel hot? Just like how if a goat tickling your feet with its tongue for an hour will later feel extremely painful?- I don't understand it. I guess I just need to get out more.

I feel like I really need to apologize if you read this whole thing for 3 reasons:

1.) The title has nothing to do with what I wrote
2.) I am a terrible writer jumping from hither to thither
3.) All of this has no point, whatsoever.

Have a good day!

ayy carumba

2010-12-02T11:51:00.001-08:00

writer's .
block .
sucks .

I stayed up all night just to paint my nails.
that sucks.

Nostalgia & not wanting to go back.

2010-05-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

The Spring semester of 2010 is finally over.

I ended up not failing my math class. Hooray!
So my grades look shoddy, but it's A-OK! Because it really got me thinking
about my future.

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a teacher, not because I knew why but because
the image of it looked so good in my head. I was 3 inches taller in my daydreams so it was easier
to look at myself as an upright role model for all the little kids I was teaching.
Standing at the blackboard with my clean piece of chalk I would neatly write out the math problems,
or have them all sit in a small crowd in front of me as I read them a class children's book.
This image looks so good, and that has been the thing that kept me going, holding on to that "vision"
of becoming an educator for little kids. But soon enough, that "vision" turned into practicality as my parents
convinced me to go into secondary education for math, just because I would surely get a job.
-stop- I went through my whole first year of college thinking that I would become a math teacher, preferably at Lane Tech because it was a familiar place to fall back on. But when the reality of failing my math class came into play, that's where everything came crashing down. My mansion of fake images and corrupted visions set on fire as my dusty mind came out to play and its gears started to creakily spin, allowing me to
deeply think about the potential that I really have and the valuable things that I could contribute to this ever
so glamorous world.

I could keep going about whatever is going on ^up there^ but then my title for this entry wouldn't make any sense. So continuing on:

Nostalgia

What comes to mind, thinking about that word which means-in my definition- to think pleasantly back on the past? Perhaps ice cream cones, walks in the park, playing at the beach, swing sets, laughter or jokes?
Today I logged on to facebook and found that some people were going to be traveling this summer and having a great time wherever they're going to go. This made me nostalgic about my last summer in Korea, thinking about the people there who I had so much fun with and all the laughter and shopping and good eating that happened. But why is it that the extremely hot and humid weather, strenuous climbs up hills, and arguments with good friends don't bother to enter into this "vivid" picture?

My point is that nostalgia always makes me want to go back to that place instead of enjoying this time

int the future. Right now I have a job, and it consumes my time, and looking back to Korea or other times

it makes me want to quit and leave the country just like everyone else. But Today I'm making a decision to stay where I am and grow, working on the relationships around me and especially on my relationship with God. For once I come out of my nostalgic state to not want to go back there, but stay here and open new windows, doors, gates, whatever of opportunity.

Hahahaha stupid nostalgic picture

B-e-a-yootiful

2010-04-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

What defines beauty?
Could it be to have long, silky blond hair, exotic eye color, a slim figure?
Korean girls try their best to dodge the sun as they slather on their sunblock lotions and parade around
under their lacy parasols-for to be darkskinned would be death.

Or could it be that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Yet would the beholder be beautiful in our eyes?
Can our eyes be the only thing that measures what beauty is?

???

These questions sprouted out of my mind as I was sitting in bio class, of course not paying attention but
blankly staring at my professor as he lolled on and on about .. what was it? .. ecology-

when I noticed the young man sitting in front of me. His hair was getting a little long and I played out a scene
in my head as I brazenly walked up to him as I presented the idea of getting a haircut, at the same time
becoming his friend (hopefully?)
I was pulled out of this little playful thought as I noticed a little machine settled down on his lap.

Oh? What could this be... feeling the little flicker of my eyes grazing over this foreign object.
There, I saw some buttons, five little ones for his left hand and five other little ones for his right hand.
And underneath those buttons were bunches of raised, spherical dots, all right next to each other, but mostly
were clumped into individual groups. What an organized chaos it is.

It hit me. This young man was stripped of one of the greatest senses of the human race: sight.
Blind. blind. blind.
This word is used to describe those who can not see with the two things that are lodged into their skulls.
But can they really not see..? Anything??

This is where another day dream enters in as I think about Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf.
When I was younger, I watched a movie about her life and this one scene stuck out to me: when she is alone
with her teacher's fiance.

They talk, and have a nice conversation until the conversation comes to the subject of kissing. Keller says something along the lines of : "Oh, I've never been kissed before, but how I would really like to try! Just once! But who would be ever so willing to kiss this dumb and useless girl?" Okay, maybe it didn't sound exactly like that, but it certainly rang out the desperation in her voice as she sadly speaks this line.
The fiance of Keller's teacher just listens, and is intrigued, he thinks, "Well this poor girl has never been kissed! How unfortunate this is, I will really be doing her a favor for she truly wants to have the knowledge of what a kiss would feel like. Oh, I'll just kiss her; just once!" And so, he kneels over and kisses her. Then Keller's teacher walks in. oops.

Anyway. The point is... what was the point? Oh, well as I was thinking about Helen Keller, I daydreamed a little more as i imagined dating this blind young man. The question of beauty sprouts out here, as I thought about how this blind boyfriend of mine would never know what I look like, but would he want to?

If time was not spent on how I look, then that time would be spent on the observation and analysis of the person inside of me: my soul.
Would he still think I was beautiful?
If he could see every little thing that was a part of me, every good and every bad thing then clearly, he could judge my character?
This goes back to the question of really being able to see.
Although this young man is blind and can not use his eyes to see colors or faces, anything.
I am guessing that he can see many other things that are much deeper that our eyes can not even
begin to envision.

We're not superman.

Starbucks Contest!

2010-04-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

Hey all (those who read this)

I'm trying to win some stuff from starbucks through this person : The Fashionable Housewife

You can win a Starbucks messenger bag with 110$
and a starbucks gift card for 10 bucks
and 4 Starbucks light frappucinos!

Go here! http://www.thefashionablehousewife.com/04/2010/starbucks-frappuccino-giveaway-2-winners/comment-page-1/#comment-50895

and here! http://www.frappuccino.com

w00t!

Pictures Are Easier

2010-04-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

I know what Steve Jobs is giving his family for Christmas.

perhaps i want one.

To be someone else for a day.

2010-04-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

I know i'm a '90s baby.. but if I were alive in the '80s, I know who I'd want to be.

If you don't know this woman, just watch sixteen candles.

finalmente

2010-04-02T11:25:00.001-07:00

sitting on the chicago/franklin platform to catch a breath
20 trains come and go, lugging busy people along with them.

face down, sandals off, eyes closed.
settled down on that cold bench .. I wait.

when finally, finally- a man touches my shoulder and asks that one question my soul was longing for.
retch.

spilling it all out...

2010-03-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

one thing I noticed about myself is that I am an observer.

I like to observe everything that is going on around me and everything that

connects to later events. Cause and effect.

An example could be a piece of paper falls out of a lady's purse as she digs for her lipstick.

This piece of paper is a note for her to give to her husband to remind him to pick up their son after school.

The piece of paper flies away into the air, relaxed and dances in the wind until it gravitates to the ground

and gets stomped on.

This one piece of paper could have been the one thing that stopped a series of other events. But then, what

can stop it? It's just the flow of our everyday lives. We have no choice but to move on.

I like to think of myself as an observer not because I like to stare at people, but because I would really like to

truly understand these people as I look upon them on my daily commute to school. Observing-in my opinion-

takes skill, it is not just something that anyone can do. Actually, I don't even know if being arrogant about this is even worth it, but anyway- yes, it is a skill. When observing, it takes a lot of focus and following the object down to its last and every detail. Expectations, can be expected while observing, but also plays a big role in pleasant surprises:

A woman walks in through the train doors, dirty blond hair with 6 month old highlights pulled back into a neat ponytail, dressed in light brown slacks and black leather mary janes. It is quite chilly today, so she takes the train instead of taking her car. She wears an organized peacoat-simple with buttons down the middle- she doesn't like to overdress for work. She wears a light mascara on her face and a light brown eyeliner so that not a lot of attention is drawn to her face, perhaps some chapstick, nothing too fancy. Her black leather gloves are new- a Christmas present from her mother, how nice. She reaches into her Marc Jacobs purse to pull out-of course- her iphone. She checks her e-mail, the weather, and then goes right into texting waiting for her daily commute to be over as she plunges into work and then will go home and enjoy her family-rinse and repeat, if desired.

Why am I blogging about stupid and unnecessary things? Perhaps I want to give the world a little taste of who I am and why I think in certain ways. Bah, but the world will not be interested. So this just another waste of a thing I did today. Hm. Didn't even write about what I really wanted to write about. Til next time lads.

Turn of Events

2010-03-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

today i woke up feeling groggy.
stayed up late making some things and watching tv.
oh what a life.
tis fun, ~~yes.~~

alas i was being watched and oh how this dark day had turned from being hopeless, endless.
into a day I shall never forget.
The possibilities being endless, grazing towards what is to make it end.
the freedom to do whatever I want, the freedom to live.
especially the freedom to die in a style of my choice.
i wondered, will he meet me there- o yes, my child he will meet me

My Story

2010-03-19T21:57:00.001-07:00

I lay here.
Battered from a seemingly endless power struggle.
   Feel the gravel pushing into the small of my back.
Throbs of aching torment pulsating
throughout.
I breathe, my soul ripped out.
Is there no solace here?

Stone. Cold. Tremble. Dark.

  Two pairs of feet pass by
in a distant space.
Cold glances meeet mine eyes.
The crunch of the steps
   containing a sense of sudden
   urgency to walk away.
Is there no solace here?

Oh, what is this here, now.
The crunching of steps filled with urgency
walking to me.
  Warm hands touching my face.
  Feel the warm breath enter me,
  making me whole, spinning
  the remnant strings of my soul together,
tight and knit.

I am lifted up now.
Cloaked in the warm embrace of Him.
   Riding towards the foot of the stairway
Which leads to my salvation.

Windburn

2010-03-02T10:13:00.000-08:00

For the being of air comes whenever him please.
   Like the wind, it blows westward, strong.
   To the east, gentle.
   To the south, calm.
   To the north, purified.
In every season, he is steady and he is constant.
  Bring to him all praise bring to him all worship.
   Declare that he is here in us; ever so present.
Breathe in this being of air, consume its every particle
   become rejuvenated-you are young again.
For by He spirit- you are free.
   Take the wind, fly westward, strong.
   To the east, stride.
   To the south, proclaim.
   To the north, resurrected.
   Over everything Here you is.

Anticipating You

2010-02-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

Sitting here in this vinyl covered chair staring out the window passed the two young
Asian women
Makes me think of things yet to be discovered by my young and inexperienced eyes.
Thoughts just run through this mind trying to stick to the surface of my brain
Yet they are not
Qualified enough to be opened up into a state of exploration.
Think think think.
Perhaps thinking too much.
I check the door every so often looking forward to the entrance of a dear friend, colleague, anyone-
Anything.
Please enter here and enter soon for I fear what will happen to my self image of calm collective(ness).
Lean back, look out into the expanse and wriggle what is held in out
through a hook attached to a golden worm.
How attractive.

reflection-recognized

2010-01-10T14:21:00.003-08:00

it seems that i've run out of things to write
ever since i've stopped being emo.

but i will still write.

The past month has been pretty killer for me.
Killer in a good way.
   and a bad way too.
The beginning was quite hopeful, allowing me to plan anything out
   while at the same time having the ability to be unstoppable.
This month long break made me realize that I really do have
the capability to do absolutely nothing.
The first three weeks I became an animal-an owl to be specific.
Staying up all night to finish a 500 piece puzzle.
Following up with an epic sleep-fest until 7 pm.
Throughout all of this time, going through all the seasons of Desperate Housewives
   -which is a dynamic television show. Fits to my taste very nicely.
Things started to pick up as YDC prep. was starting to go in motion.
Working on the skit was great. With a great group of people.
Going snowboarding for the first time was filled with the most fun i've ever had in years.
   The greatest part of all was overcoming my fear and just going for the gold.
   The next morning I woke up with sore muscles and bruised legs, but it was the most
   alive I had felt in a while-so it was all worth it.
Watched a few good movies too-[AVATAR-Made me feel like a little kid again as I indulged in the amazing
   graphics and fight scenes at the very end].

The break is now over, and classes begin tomorrow for Spring semester 2010.
I wonder what adventures await.

In Every Circumstance

2009-11-26T13:08:00.000-08:00

Thankful for this and that, only when I am satisfied.

Bitter. Hard times.

The Lord leads me life-

Thank God.

Argh

2009-11-23T01:13:00.000-08:00

It bubbles up inside of you,
hitting the roof of your head,
it has no where else to leak out to:
Frustration.

Feeling like you have so much you want to say.
You attempt to say it and it ends up spilling out into a mush of pooh.
No one can understand what you are trying to say.
-So no one cares.

Oh God.
What have you done.
Another awkward situation.
You long for an escape.
So...
you say, "so........"

Feeling stupid, feeling worthless,
without a care in the world.
You put up a front.
Shielding yourself from making friends,
protecting yourself from being vulnerable
pretending to be someone that you are not.

What does that leave you with-
it leaves you with yourself.

People judge you
people come and people go.
They judge you without even really
wanting to get to know you.

The front that you put up is what
people will only get to know.

..

When in actuality, it's the exact opposite
of who you really are.

Frustration.

It builds up inside, leaving a sticky residue
of bitter resentment to yourself.

Reached

2009-11-22T18:49:00.000-08:00

Reach until a breach of enlightenment appears.
Extend hands to invisible goal.
Breathe in air around you, filling lungs with new fulfillment.
Muscles stretching, bones cracking.
Satisfaction.

Rubbing Off

2009-11-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

Go there-sit.
Sit there-listen.
Feel something-forgive.
Let go-never.
What the-?
Not sorry-sit.
Wait man-listen.
Can not-forgive.
Is it-?

The sands of time

2009-10-21T10:09:00.000-07:00

I have in my two hands some sand from a beach.
I hold it; look at it; feel it, lose it.

I choose to open my fingers, making openings in which
the sand smoothly sifts through, escaping into the air-to freedom.
To freedom it floats until it is caught in another pair of hands; it
waits patiently to float once again.

I look after that sand, with sad eyes
wanting to hold it again.
I desperately grab more sand from the beach
on which i stand.

But it is not the same.
This new sand in my hand
is not
the
same.

The sand that I had let go of is gone now.
It shall never return.
I am not the only one who can attest to this.

I look to this new sand in my hands and I
realize the mistake in which I had made
with the sands of the past.

I hold the sand in my two hands from a beach.
I hold it, look at it, embrace it, keep it.

Healing Tears

2009-10-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

Today I cried a lot.

I cried because there was hurt in my heart.

Hurt from stress

But more importantly- hurt from

the people I love.

They did not hurt me purposefully.

I hurt because at that moment, their heart was mine

and that heart was hurting so bad.

That hurt heart

pushed the tears

from my eyes

and with crying out prayer

the Lord led me to the word of God

and slowly that hurt from that heart

began to go away.

But then someone called

and that hurt returned

with a fresh set of tears.

they ask, do you have a cold-

i say no

they ask, why are you sniffing-

i say- i was crying.

they ask, why-

i say don't mind it.

but in the end the truth

comes out-

they concern for me and think that

i am crying out of my own problems.

but no the truth at the end

is that i cry for them

for when they hurt in their heart,

that heart becomes mine.

and it hurts

and so I cry

I cry healing tears.

weak.sauce.

2009-10-01T11:02:00.001-07:00

So I was thinking today..

I don't think much.

But I was thinking today.

That a moment of weakness is all it takes

to make your life take a wrong turn

on the path of righteousness.

I'm not walking on the gravel-there's nothing concrete around me anymore.

I lost my shoe in the swamp back there.

I'm pretty sure it was the right way-

I'm also pretty sure I've seen that tree

for the umpteenth time in 10 minutes.

Okay. I'm lost.

At least i'm admitting it.

Fine. I'm lost.

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?

But if you do not do what is right,

Sin is crouching at your door and it desires to have you;

but you must master it."

-Genesis 4:7

It's all about the decisions that I make today. Not tomorrow. Or Tomorrow. Or Tomorrow.

We all have moments of weakness.

Do you master it?

Anonymous

2009-09-24T10:37:00.001-07:00

"Having a British professor does not automatically make him cool."

I go on facebook.
I check my farm on farmville.
I see an advertisement.
It says "Honesty Box"
It looks interesting.
I add it to my facebook.
My "friends" want me to tell write what I think about them.
...
well it is an honesty box. right?
they really did want to know
what I think about them.
...

I write something. Anonymously.

...

they reply.
they are mad.

they wanted to know, right?

-Anonymous

I tire.

2009-09-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

I tire because I am of the dust.
On the dust you trod
thus I become flattened
and everything around me becomes level ground.

But I still tire.

I tire because there are things in this world
that I just don't get.
Some menial things just become too trite
making me not want to listen anymore.

I tire because I do not sleep.

I tire of me.

But there is hope in all of this.
There is a hope that there is a portal
which leads to my salvation.

The question is
do I enter this portal.

I tire of not entering.

random

2009-09-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

I thought i would start off with just a small ramble of random things.
I thought it fit the best since it matches well with my personality.
I sit on a couch-perhaps a big comfy couch-trying to overcome my food coma from a footlong sub. A girl sleeps beside me.
I finished class early- yet there is one more to come.

What's on my mind?
I didn't accomplish what I wanted to do right from the moment when I woke up.

I woke up to the alarming tone of my mother's voice. I locked my door before I went
to sleep-not necessarily to keep my mother out but to keep the safety of my life in.
I did open the window though.

While that last stanza didn't make any sense.
A sense of it makes me shiver.
I could have lost myself last night.
But I didn't.

So I woke up. Gave a long shout of dismay thinking about that one person that I would
disappoint by waking up too late.
I felt bad. Terrible.
The cycle that i'm going through is a cycle that never stops.
It may pause once in a while. But then it starts again.
I need some sort of splicer-yes splicer.
to just cut it off.

But the thing that made me feel better was the fact that I can get completely ready in seven
minutes flat.
And the fact that that one person is very forgiving and just.

Perhaps I'll try again tomorrow.
There are some things that actually can be fixed.

Psalm 36:5
Your love, o LORD, reaches to the heavens your faithfulness to the skies"