I Keep Moving Around

"My life is like a roller coaster"
-Best cliche but true phrase ever (for my life, at least).

Why can't I ever feel like I am in the right place.
When I'm high I know I can't enjoy it because of the knowledge of a low that's soon to come.
When I'm low, it's hard to see that I can be up again.
And when I'm stuck in a loop is when everything had just gone wrong.

I am taking part of it all.

This techno generation is draining the life out of me

This techno generation is draining the life out of me- yes I just used the title of this post as my opening line.

I guess "techno" is short for "technological". Anyway point is-my soul is shrinking even smaller than it is as I type in this super random blog entry. So this is my story:

So this morning it's like really dark outside and in the first thing I remember is hearing in the far off distant land the most annoying noise on earth, why it's my alarm of course!

And then after I finally am able to keep my eyes open for more than 3 seconds I turn the data on on my phone and check the weather and then I go and do whatever it is to get "ready" for the day.

I also have to use the internet on my phone to check when the bus is coming and when I do get on the bus I'm already pulling out my iPod to zone out.

I get to work and waste the whole morning on youtube.
Well that was a waste of time only because I didn't feel satisfied inside, like, you know, inside my soul.

So I tweeted about it.
That didn't make me feel any better.

And then I go to class. I actually look forward to it so that I can get something productive done.
But NO- I pull out my laptop and start chatting with my best bud until class starts.

Class starts and I'm like, taking notes. But even where I write my notes is connected to the internet (evernote, it's awesome)!

Class is over and then I eat some pasta for lunch and head over to the library to "study".
I look forward to it because I'll actually be looking at a book instead of some type of screen.

BUT NOO-I pull out my laptop againnnn and what do I go to? Twitter and youtube. I actually even watched a video of bieber's terrible acting. I posted a hater comment and then went on to watch other pointless videos.

This was NOT A GOOD DAY.
In fact, I am very angry about it.

Ok, well, no one reads this so i'm not too concerned about the terrible grammar goin' on here.
So i'll just leave this random rant/post with this: I refuse to become some sort of human that is going to be swallowed up by technology. If that happens, I'll just become some sort of robot. The more I get absorbed in this information age, the more my soul seems to disappear and everything that I once invested my time to loses its meaning. I refuse! I learned my lesson.

ok i've given up on this post.
bye.

arise, uh-rise

I don't know what it is about waking up in the morning.

Why does it feel so terrible?

Why do my eyes feel like they're blind whenever I try to open them?

Why do I feel instantly okay the moment I finally decide to get out of bed?

WHY.

I  guess there is one answer to these questions.
And I know that it has something to do with looking forward to what lies ahead.
I guess I just didn't have anything to look forward to.

For the longest time, I've been content with my stagnant life.
I would be perfectly happy with making my life dependent on what people around me tell to do.

But recently I realized that this is not living. This is not why I am on this earth.
Like a robot, just feeding on direction from other imperfect beings and carrying them out without hesitation.
One day, I got angry when these imperfect beings yelled at me and then I was more confused than angry and finally just really sad and pitiful.
Is  this my life? Just listening to people and doing what they say to get rebuke in return?
These people thought they were helping me, but they didn't know me and didn't want to know me- they just assumed things about me and moved on.

But then again, I really didn't have a "me" that these people could get to know because I was too busy trying to please them, too busy pleasing my own carnal desires.
For nineteen years what everyone else did defined me.

Now, there is no more blind submission in me but there is a desire to seek out the One who created me, set me on this earth and get to know Him more.
I got nowhere trying to be just a dweller, making my actions depend on what the world demanded of me.
So now, I turn around and cut off the world's demands and make none in return.
Simply put, I am finding myself, but not through the perspective of my own eyes but through God's eyes, the One who created me.

I'm going to find my meaning of this life given to me.
I'm going to find myself-no matter how cliche and dumb it sounds.

This is something to look forward to.

__

i'm just tired of it all.

too late.

shoulder pains

i have shoulder pains.
it feels tense. they're giving me a migraine. makes me want to give up.

isn't it interesting , that doing nothing produces stress and doing much produces endorphins, which in turn, produces a sense (may be false) of joy and accomplishment . ?

I've been doing absolutely nothing for the past 1.5 weeks and it feels like crap. There's a stress monster following me, climbing unto my shoulders and gripping them strongly with its claws. I'm dying. I don't know if i can make it.

I need to start doing something. Make this pain go away. Cut the tension out of my life.
Why can't I just do something? I fear that in doing so, my failures and untouched "to-do/s" will spring out at me and stab me in the heart. I'm scared of success, because most probably, everything will fall apart. So, what's the point in trying in the first place?

goals. I need goals. a goal. I need a goal. I need. . a vision. something with a hook to pull me out of this muck.

I live with my parents

Dark.

I am suddenly I wake up to the sound of my mother's alarmed shouts, "6:30! 6:30!" Crap.
In my frantic fury I climb down the ladder of my bed, switch on the light, and take a quick look at the clock: 4 AM. Less frantic and more furious, I pretend-choke her; she laughs-I laugh inside. I get a glass of water. discomfort. I stand a while in the kitchen, realizing the opportunity to do so many things: take a shower, do the laundry, take some time for myself. I shrug this off and climb back up the ladder for another chance at peace.

Lighter.

Brring. Brring. The sound of my father calling me to wake up. He is in the other room. I look down to find an illuminating 6:15 staring up at me. Shoot. I only have weird socks left to wear. My hair is so greasy. I climb down the ladder, grab my phone, and immediately lie down on the couch, falling resting on a bunched up blanket. 6:21. 20 minutes left to be presentable for the rest of the day. No time left. to be nothing. time. time to get moving. Walking to the bathroom, my dog meets me halfway. "oh, hey". pet pet pet I pat him on the head. "Oh, you're soft" I indulge in petting him for 20 seconds more. His tail starts wagging like crazy. At least I'll make one I made someone happy today. Bathroom: Brush spit, rinse, lather, rinse. A look in the mirror, naked face. Room: tshirt, sweater, jeans, extremely long socks-eyeliner, curl, mascara, eyebrows? no-coat,scarf,backpack-6:41-sunrise.

Abandoned..

..is what i've done to this blog.

Alas- all is not in vain.

So- it's certainly been a while since I last spilled my guts out to the world wide web (a.k.a "www" in the www.google.com?).

Recent Happenings from the last 5 months: Got a job. My first job actually. Being a teller at Foster Bank. Every time I work, I serve Korean and occasional Foreign (non-Korean: oh the.. irony) customers. They bring cash, checks, money orders, and I take it from them and deposit it into their bank accounts. After each deposit, I ask them the question "Would you like your balance?" or in Korean: "Balance-uh teurul gah yo?" which is the equivalent of asking the question: "Would you like fries with that?" As months of mindless depositing and cash-outs passed by and I came to realize that although my job is important to all the people who so trustingly give me their forms of money to deposit- I on the other hand do not do so with such importance.
   -I wrote this like 5 months ago. So i definitely forgot the point that i was attempting to ... show.. display.. whatever.-

Anyway.

Recent Happenings: Got a job. My second job after my prestigious occupation of being a bank teller, I am now an upright Library Aide at the University of Illinois at Chicago's Library of Health Sciences- Serials Unit.
What do I do day in and day out? Walk in- stamp journals - finish other small errands and sit down and blog about nonsensical things all the day long. Thank God for this job- I didn't think dream jobs like this truly existed.

*Now if someone is actually reading this... you might want to stop reading here because I kind of go on a rant about snow. *

So. Fall 2010 is almost over. In a week, actually and I will have a temporary freedom to do whatever I please (uhoh- watch out world! meh...) Winter is basically here *I warned you, you can stop reading right about here *because the calendar says so- It says that it's December now.. okay. People around me are weird- they say weird things like: "Oh, I wanted to wake up and see snow on the ground" "Oh I want snow to fall down from the sky" "Oh I love snow, because I don't think about what snow will turn into 10 weeks after it hits the ground". Cynical? Okay, maybe a little bit but I don't see the big deal. Snow is a pain- it makes my small wardrobe shrink back to always being only my coat and stupid generic ugg boots that I bought-which are definitely not waterproof, by the way. Snow can make people slip on the roads, giving them unnecessary rapid heart palpitations and great injuries as well. Sigh. People like to throw snow in each other's faces; and they pretend like it's cotton being smashed into their face, when in actuality, it's ironically burning your face-you know, when something is so cold, it starts to feel hot? Just like how if a goat tickling your feet with its tongue for an hour will later feel extremely painful?- I don't understand it. I guess I just need to get out more.


I feel like I really need to apologize if you read this whole thing for 3 reasons:

1.) The title has nothing to do with what I wrote
2.) I am a terrible writer jumping from hither to thither
3.) All of this has no point, whatsoever.

Have a good day!