Abandoned..

..is what i've done to this blog.

Alas- all is not in vain.

So- it's certainly been a while since I last spilled my guts out to the world wide web (a.k.a "www" in the www.google.com?).

Recent Happenings from the last 5 months: Got a job. My first job actually. Being a teller at Foster Bank. Every time I work, I serve Korean and occasional Foreign (non-Korean: oh the.. irony) customers. They bring cash, checks, money orders, and I take it from them and deposit it into their bank accounts. After each deposit, I ask them the question "Would you like your balance?" or in Korean: "Balance-uh teurul gah yo?" which is the equivalent of asking the question: "Would you like fries with that?" As months of mindless depositing and cash-outs passed by and I came to realize that although my job is important to all the people who so trustingly give me their forms of money to deposit- I on the other hand do not do so with such importance.
   -I wrote this like 5 months ago. So i definitely forgot the point that i was attempting to ... show.. display.. whatever.-

Anyway.

Recent Happenings: Got a job. My second job after my prestigious occupation of being a bank teller, I am now an upright Library Aide at the University of Illinois at Chicago's Library of Health Sciences- Serials Unit.
What do I do day in and day out? Walk in- stamp journals - finish other small errands and sit down and blog about nonsensical things all the day long. Thank God for this job- I didn't think dream jobs like this truly existed.

*Now if someone is actually reading this... you might want to stop reading here because I kind of go on a rant about snow. *

So. Fall 2010 is almost over. In a week, actually and I will have a temporary freedom to do whatever I please (uhoh- watch out world! meh...) Winter is basically here *I warned you, you can stop reading right about here *because the calendar says so- It says that it's December now.. okay. People around me are weird- they say weird things like: "Oh, I wanted to wake up and see snow on the ground" "Oh I want snow to fall down from the sky" "Oh I love snow, because I don't think about what snow will turn into 10 weeks after it hits the ground". Cynical? Okay, maybe a little bit but I don't see the big deal. Snow is a pain- it makes my small wardrobe shrink back to always being only my coat and stupid generic ugg boots that I bought-which are definitely not waterproof, by the way. Snow can make people slip on the roads, giving them unnecessary rapid heart palpitations and great injuries as well. Sigh. People like to throw snow in each other's faces; and they pretend like it's cotton being smashed into their face, when in actuality, it's ironically burning your face-you know, when something is so cold, it starts to feel hot? Just like how if a goat tickling your feet with its tongue for an hour will later feel extremely painful?- I don't understand it. I guess I just need to get out more.


I feel like I really need to apologize if you read this whole thing for 3 reasons:

1.) The title has nothing to do with what I wrote
2.) I am a terrible writer jumping from hither to thither
3.) All of this has no point, whatsoever.

Have a good day!

ayy carumba

writer's .
block .
sucks .

I stayed up all night just to paint my nails.
that sucks.

Nostalgia & not wanting to go back.

The Spring semester of 2010 is finally over.

I ended up not failing my math class. Hooray!
So my grades look shoddy, but it's A-OK! Because it really got me thinking
about my future.

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a teacher, not because I knew why but because
the image of it looked so good in my head. I was 3 inches taller in my daydreams so it was easier
to look at myself as an upright role model for all the little kids I was teaching.
Standing at the blackboard with my clean piece of chalk I would neatly write out the math problems,
or have them all sit in a small crowd in front of me as I read them a class children's book.
This image looks so good, and that has been the thing that kept me going, holding on to that "vision"
of becoming an educator for little kids. But soon enough, that "vision" turned into practicality as my parents
convinced me to go into secondary education for math, just because I would surely get a job.
    -stop- I went through my whole first year of college thinking that I would become a math teacher, preferably at Lane Tech because it was a familiar place to fall back on. But when the reality of failing my math class came into play, that's where everything came crashing down. My mansion of fake images and corrupted visions set on fire as my dusty mind came out to play and its gears started to creakily spin, allowing me to
deeply think about the potential that I really have and the valuable things that I could contribute to this ever
so glamorous world.

I could keep going about whatever is going on ^up there^ but then my title for this entry wouldn't make any sense. So continuing on:

Nostalgia

What comes to mind, thinking about that word which means-in my definition- to think pleasantly back on the past? Perhaps ice cream cones, walks in the park, playing at the beach, swing sets, laughter or jokes?
      Today I logged on to facebook and found that some people were going to be traveling this summer and having a great time wherever they're going to go. This made me nostalgic about my last summer in Korea, thinking about the people there who I had so much fun with and all the laughter and shopping and good eating that happened. But why is it that the extremely hot and humid weather, strenuous climbs up hills, and arguments with good friends don't bother to enter into this "vivid" picture?

My point is that nostalgia always makes me want to go back to that place instead of enjoying this time 

int the future. Right now I have a job, and it consumes my time, and looking back to Korea or other times

it makes me want to quit and leave the country just like everyone else. But Today I'm making a decision to stay where I am and grow, working on the relationships around me and especially on my relationship with God. For once I come out of my nostalgic state to not want to go back there, but stay here and open new windows, doors, gates, whatever of opportunity. 

                                         

Hahahaha stupid nostalgic picture

B-e-a-yootiful

What defines beauty?
Could it be to have long, silky blond hair, exotic eye color, a slim figure?
Korean girls try their best to dodge the sun as they slather on their sunblock lotions and parade around
under their lacy parasols-for to be darkskinned would be death.

Or could it be that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Yet would the beholder be beautiful in our eyes?
Can our eyes be the only thing that measures what beauty is?

???

These questions sprouted out of my mind as I was sitting in bio class, of course not paying attention but
blankly staring at my professor as he lolled on and on about .. what was it? .. ecology-

when I noticed the young man sitting in front of me. His hair was getting a little long and I played out a scene
in my head as I brazenly walked up to him as I presented the idea of getting a haircut, at the same time
becoming his friend (hopefully?)
I was pulled out of this little playful thought as I noticed a little machine settled down on his lap.

Oh? What could this be... feeling the little flicker of my eyes grazing over this foreign object.
There, I saw some buttons, five little ones for his left hand and five other little ones for his right hand.
And underneath those buttons were bunches of raised, spherical dots, all right next to each other, but mostly
were clumped into individual groups. What an organized chaos it is.

It hit me. This young man was stripped of one of the greatest senses of the human race: sight.
Blind. blind. blind. 
This word is used to describe those who can not see with the two things that are lodged into their skulls.
But can they really not see..? Anything??

This is where another day dream enters in as I think about Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf.
When I was younger, I watched a movie about her life and this one scene stuck out to me: when she is alone
with her teacher's fiance.

They talk, and have a nice conversation until the conversation comes to the subject of kissing. Keller says something along the lines of : "Oh, I've never been kissed before, but how I would really like to try! Just once! But who would be ever so willing to kiss this dumb and useless girl?" Okay, maybe it didn't sound exactly like that, but it certainly rang out the desperation in her voice as she sadly speaks this line.
The fiance of Keller's teacher just listens, and is intrigued, he thinks, "Well this poor girl has never been kissed! How unfortunate this is, I will really be doing her a favor for she truly wants to have the knowledge of what a kiss would feel like. Oh, I'll just kiss her; just once!" And so, he kneels over and kisses her. Then Keller's teacher walks in. oops.

Anyway. The point is... what was the point? Oh, well as I was thinking about Helen Keller, I daydreamed a little more as i imagined dating this blind young man. The question of beauty sprouts out here, as I thought about how this blind boyfriend of mine would never know what I look like, but would he want to?

If time was not spent on how I look, then that time would be spent on the observation and analysis of the person inside of me: my soul.
Would he still think I was beautiful?
If he could see every little thing that was a part of me, every good and every bad thing then clearly, he could judge my character?
This goes back to the question of really being able to see.
Although this young man is blind and can not use his eyes to see colors or faces, anything.
I am guessing that he can see many other things that are much deeper that our eyes can not even
begin to envision.

We're not superman.

Starbucks Contest!

Hey all (those who read this)

I'm trying to win some stuff from starbucks through this person : The Fashionable Housewife

You can win a Starbucks messenger bag with 110$
and a starbucks gift card for 10 bucks
and 4 Starbucks light frappucinos!

Go here! http://www.thefashionablehousewife.com/04/2010/starbucks-frappuccino-giveaway-2-winners/comment-page-1/#comment-50895

and here! http://www.frappuccino.com


w00t!

Pictures Are Easier

I know what Steve Jobs is giving his family for Christmas.

perhaps i want one.

To be someone else for a day.

I know i'm a '90s baby.. but if I were alive in the '80s, I know who I'd want to be.

If you don't know this woman, just watch sixteen candles. 

finalmente

sitting on the chicago/franklin platform to catch a breath
20 trains come and go, lugging busy people along with them.

face down, sandals off, eyes closed.
settled down on that cold bench .. I wait.

when finally, finally- a man touches my shoulder and asks that one question my soul was longing for.
retch.

spilling it all out...

one thing I noticed about myself is that I am an observer. 

I like to observe everything that is going on around me and everything that 

connects to later events. Cause and effect.

An example could be a piece of paper falls out of a lady's purse as she digs for her lipstick. 

This piece of paper is a note for her to give to her husband to remind him to pick up their son after school.

The piece of paper flies away into the air, relaxed and dances in the wind until it gravitates to the ground

and gets stomped on.

   This one piece of paper could have been the one thing that stopped a series of other events. But then, what

can stop it? It's just the flow of our everyday lives. We have no choice but to move on. 

I like to think of myself as an observer not because I like to stare at people, but because I would really like to 

truly understand these people as I look upon them on my daily commute to school. Observing-in my opinion- 

takes skill, it is not just something that anyone can do. Actually, I don't even know if being arrogant about this is even worth it, but anyway- yes, it is a skill. When observing, it takes a lot of focus and following the object down to its last and every detail. Expectations, can be expected while observing, but also plays a big role in pleasant surprises:

    A woman walks in through the train doors, dirty blond hair with 6 month old highlights pulled back into a neat ponytail, dressed in light brown slacks and black leather mary janes. It is quite chilly today, so she takes the train instead of taking her car. She wears an organized peacoat-simple with buttons down the middle- she doesn't like to overdress for work. She wears a light mascara on her face and a light brown eyeliner so that not a lot of attention is drawn to her face, perhaps some chapstick, nothing too fancy. Her black leather gloves are new- a Christmas present from her mother, how nice. She reaches into her Marc Jacobs purse to pull out-of course- her iphone. She checks her e-mail, the weather, and then goes right into texting waiting for her daily commute to be over as she plunges into work and then will go home and enjoy her family-rinse and repeat, if desired.

Why am I blogging about stupid and unnecessary things? Perhaps I want to give the world a little taste of who I am and why I think in certain ways.  Bah, but the world will not be interested. So this just another waste of a thing I did today. Hm. Didn't even write about what I really wanted to write about. Til next time lads.  

Turn of Events

today i woke up feeling groggy.
stayed up late making some things and watching tv.
oh what a life.
tis fun, yes.


alas i was being watched and oh how this dark day had turned from being hopeless, endless.
into a day I shall never forget.
The possibilities being endless, grazing towards what is to make it end.
the freedom to do whatever I want, the freedom to live.
especially the freedom to die in a style of my choice.
i wondered, will he meet me there- o yes, my child he will meet me

My Story

I lay here.
Battered from a seemingly endless power struggle.
    Feel the gravel pushing into the small of my back.
Throbs of aching torment pulsating
throughout.
I breathe, my soul ripped out.
Is there no solace here?

Stone. Cold. Tremble. Dark.

  Two pairs of feet pass by
in a distant space.
Cold glances meeet mine eyes.
The crunch of the steps
   containing a sense of sudden
   urgency to walk away.
Is there no solace here?

Oh, what is this here, now.
The crunching of steps filled with urgency
walking to me.
  Warm hands touching my face.
  Feel the warm breath enter me,
  making me whole, spinning
  the remnant strings of my soul together,
 tight and knit.

I am lifted up now.
Cloaked in the warm embrace of Him.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
    Riding towards the foot of the stairway
 Which leads to my salvation.

Windburn

For the being of air comes whenever him please.
   Like the wind, it blows westward, strong.
     To the east, gentle.
         To the south, calm.
             To the north, purified.
In every season, he is steady and he is constant.
  Bring to him all praise bring to him all worship.
   Declare that he is here in us; ever so present.
Breathe in this being of air, consume its every particle
      become rejuvenated-you are young again.
For by He spirit- you are free.
       Take the wind, fly westward, strong.
              To the east, stride.
                  To the south, proclaim.
                     To the north, resurrected.
        Over everything Here you is.

Anticipating You

Sitting here in this vinyl covered chair staring out the window passed the two young
Asian women
Makes me think of things yet to be discovered by my young and inexperienced eyes.
Thoughts just run through this mind trying to stick to the surface of my brain
Yet they are not
Qualified enough to be opened up into a state of exploration.
Think think think.
Perhaps thinking too much.
I check the door every so often looking forward to the entrance of a dear friend, colleague, anyone-
Anything.
Please enter here and enter soon for I fear what will happen to my self image of calm collective(ness).
Lean back, look out into the expanse and wriggle what is held in out
through a hook attached to a golden worm.
How attractive.

reflection-recognized

it seems that i've run out of things to write
ever since i've stopped being emo.

but i will still write.

The past month has been pretty killer for me.
Killer in a good way.
        and a bad way too.
The beginning was quite hopeful, allowing me to plan anything out
   while at the same time having the ability to be unstoppable.
This month long break made me realize that I really do have
the capability to do absolutely nothing.
The first three weeks I became an animal-an owl to be specific.
Staying up all night to finish a 500 piece puzzle.
Following up with an epic sleep-fest until 7 pm.
Throughout all of this time, going through all the seasons of Desperate Housewives
    -which is a dynamic television show. Fits to my taste very nicely.
Things started to pick up as YDC prep. was starting to go in motion.
Working on the skit was great. With a great group of people.
Going snowboarding for the first time was filled with the most fun i've ever had in years.
   The greatest part of all was overcoming my fear and just going for the gold.
        The next morning I woke up with sore muscles and bruised legs, but it was the most
        alive I had felt in a while-so it was all worth it.
Watched a few good movies too-[AVATAR-Made me feel like a little kid again as I indulged in the amazing
                                                    graphics and fight scenes at the very end].

The break is now over, and classes begin tomorrow for Spring semester 2010.
I wonder what adventures await.