how he loves us

or in spanish : como el nos ama.

dear God,

i'm back. thank you for accepting me back into your presence, yet again.
I want to be able to tell you all the things I've been telling so many people in the past week, but I know that you know the words I am going to say and you know the thoughts that I have thought... and all I can say is.. i'm sorry.

I let the bitterness of my heart get the best of me and I gave over my mind to it. I was bitter against your people, and the church in which you have blessed me with. I was sick and tired of it all God, but what I really found and realized was that I was sick of myself. I was sick of the way I bowed down to the people around me, and oh so nicely gave in to the requests that were tossed my way. "Yes" and "Of Course" were my answers until one day, I had had enough of it all. My innate selfishness had come out to play and it was not going to be obedient and go home to sleep after a long day of wandering around-it was here to stay. It said so many things like, "I refuse to be treated like this" or "I deserve so much better, screw this shit."

All I could think of was how my life was being effected by everything going on around me. I wanted my life to hold value, I wanted to travel, I wanted to be fashionable, I wanted people to know me, I wanted to show complete strangers that I am someone if they just took one look at me. But what is all of this? The center of it all is me. But what is the value of all of this? I thought I was finally free; free of anyone telling me what to do and free of a what seemed to be now a cult-ish organization that was trying to take advantage of my blind obedience. But after just a few days, I felt strange. I didn't want to go about labeling myself as feeling sinful, miserable because of my sin, or guilty. No-I refuse labels. Don't you dare call me rebellious or lost, because I know what i'm doing-or at least, that's what I thought. Just after a few days... I felt strange. What was that feeling? It was no feeling, but some sort of conflict inside my gut. There was pressure everywhere inside and something was trying to come out a winner. Unfortunately, no matter how anti conformist and politically correct I wanted to be about labels, I knew deep inside my head and my heart that there was something waging inside me: demons. These demons were different than any I have felt before. They did not resist to Bible study, nor make me feel sick to my stomach when entering the church on Sunday morning. These demons were smart, and knew that they probably weren't leaving for a while. They knew me and they knew my state of being. No matter, it still felt strange and I let them stay as I just let the days pass, but after these few days, I wanted them out, no, I needed them out. So I allowed myself to talk to people, the exact people who I held bitterness against. I poured out everything I was feeling and I didn't let them take the same tone with me again. I made good arguments and they accepted them. This was surprising and a quite different outcome than how the demons were telling me. They were telling me that these people are stones and do not move, but these people listened to me, understood me, and tried to help me. What's so wrong with that?

Then I came to a realization that maybe... just maybe I was being wrong too. Was my reaction too strong? No way- I was right; I was completely and utterly right, there is no way that I could be wrong. But as I thought about this more, I knew that I was wrong too. But against who... who is this whole thing about anyway?

This was all about you, God. These battles waged inside of me, were all about you and how I couldn't serve you because you weren't real enough to me. Without anyone telling me what to do anymore or being "freed" from my reign of terror, there wasn't any reason for me to believe in you and the doubts came piling in. But these doubts led to the demons coming in and nesting inside.

I realized that I needed to look at things differently and have a different perspective.
I came to know that I just want to know the truth-the real way to live.
So here I am, God, honest and rugged. I just want to seek you, God, and know what you are all about.. and know more about you. I have no idea where this will take me, but tonight you lead me to talk to wonderful people who lead me to wonderful things and I came to listen to such wonderful words that hit my soul and vibrated all throughout my body, making me know that you are real God. Maybe not to the full extent, but I know that you are real and that you do love me. You lack nothing, and when I am in line with your Spirit, I do not lack anything as well. God, I repent of my bitterness against those people, I want to let go of all of that and just be free in seeking you. Because in you, I am free, completely free.

I Keep Moving Around

"My life is like a roller coaster"
-Best cliche but true phrase ever (for my life, at least).

Why can't I ever feel like I am in the right place.
When I'm high I know I can't enjoy it because of the knowledge of a low that's soon to come.
When I'm low, it's hard to see that I can be up again.
And when I'm stuck in a loop is when everything had just gone wrong.

I am taking part of it all.

This techno generation is draining the life out of me

This techno generation is draining the life out of me- yes I just used the title of this post as my opening line.

I guess "techno" is short for "technological". Anyway point is-my soul is shrinking even smaller than it is as I type in this super random blog entry. So this is my story:

So this morning it's like really dark outside and in the first thing I remember is hearing in the far off distant land the most annoying noise on earth, why it's my alarm of course!

And then after I finally am able to keep my eyes open for more than 3 seconds I turn the data on on my phone and check the weather and then I go and do whatever it is to get "ready" for the day.

I also have to use the internet on my phone to check when the bus is coming and when I do get on the bus I'm already pulling out my iPod to zone out.

I get to work and waste the whole morning on youtube.
Well that was a waste of time only because I didn't feel satisfied inside, like, you know, inside my soul.

So I tweeted about it.
That didn't make me feel any better.

And then I go to class. I actually look forward to it so that I can get something productive done.
But NO- I pull out my laptop and start chatting with my best bud until class starts.

Class starts and I'm like, taking notes. But even where I write my notes is connected to the internet (evernote, it's awesome)!

Class is over and then I eat some pasta for lunch and head over to the library to "study".
I look forward to it because I'll actually be looking at a book instead of some type of screen.

BUT NOO-I pull out my laptop againnnn and what do I go to? Twitter and youtube. I actually even watched a video of bieber's terrible acting. I posted a hater comment and then went on to watch other pointless videos.

This was NOT A GOOD DAY.
In fact, I am very angry about it.

Ok, well, no one reads this so i'm not too concerned about the terrible grammar goin' on here.
So i'll just leave this random rant/post with this: I refuse to become some sort of human that is going to be swallowed up by technology. If that happens, I'll just become some sort of robot. The more I get absorbed in this information age, the more my soul seems to disappear and everything that I once invested my time to loses its meaning. I refuse! I learned my lesson.

ok i've given up on this post.
bye.

arise, uh-rise

I don't know what it is about waking up in the morning.

Why does it feel so terrible?

Why do my eyes feel like they're blind whenever I try to open them?

Why do I feel instantly okay the moment I finally decide to get out of bed?

WHY.

I  guess there is one answer to these questions.
And I know that it has something to do with looking forward to what lies ahead.
I guess I just didn't have anything to look forward to.

For the longest time, I've been content with my stagnant life.
I would be perfectly happy with making my life dependent on what people around me tell to do.

But recently I realized that this is not living. This is not why I am on this earth.
Like a robot, just feeding on direction from other imperfect beings and carrying them out without hesitation.
One day, I got angry when these imperfect beings yelled at me and then I was more confused than angry and finally just really sad and pitiful.
Is  this my life? Just listening to people and doing what they say to get rebuke in return?
These people thought they were helping me, but they didn't know me and didn't want to know me- they just assumed things about me and moved on.

But then again, I really didn't have a "me" that these people could get to know because I was too busy trying to please them, too busy pleasing my own carnal desires.
For nineteen years what everyone else did defined me.

Now, there is no more blind submission in me but there is a desire to seek out the One who created me, set me on this earth and get to know Him more.
I got nowhere trying to be just a dweller, making my actions depend on what the world demanded of me.
So now, I turn around and cut off the world's demands and make none in return.
Simply put, I am finding myself, but not through the perspective of my own eyes but through God's eyes, the One who created me.

I'm going to find my meaning of this life given to me.
I'm going to find myself-no matter how cliche and dumb it sounds.

This is something to look forward to.

__

i'm just tired of it all.

too late.

shoulder pains

i have shoulder pains.
it feels tense. they're giving me a migraine. makes me want to give up.

isn't it interesting , that doing nothing produces stress and doing much produces endorphins, which in turn, produces a sense (may be false) of joy and accomplishment . ?

I've been doing absolutely nothing for the past 1.5 weeks and it feels like crap. There's a stress monster following me, climbing unto my shoulders and gripping them strongly with its claws. I'm dying. I don't know if i can make it.

I need to start doing something. Make this pain go away. Cut the tension out of my life.
Why can't I just do something? I fear that in doing so, my failures and untouched "to-do/s" will spring out at me and stab me in the heart. I'm scared of success, because most probably, everything will fall apart. So, what's the point in trying in the first place?

goals. I need goals. a goal. I need a goal. I need. . a vision. something with a hook to pull me out of this muck.

I live with my parents

Dark.

I am suddenly I wake up to the sound of my mother's alarmed shouts, "6:30! 6:30!" Crap.
In my frantic fury I climb down the ladder of my bed, switch on the light, and take a quick look at the clock: 4 AM. Less frantic and more furious, I pretend-choke her; she laughs-I laugh inside. I get a glass of water. discomfort. I stand a while in the kitchen, realizing the opportunity to do so many things: take a shower, do the laundry, take some time for myself. I shrug this off and climb back up the ladder for another chance at peace.

Lighter.

Brring. Brring. The sound of my father calling me to wake up. He is in the other room. I look down to find an illuminating 6:15 staring up at me. Shoot. I only have weird socks left to wear. My hair is so greasy. I climb down the ladder, grab my phone, and immediately lie down on the couch, falling resting on a bunched up blanket. 6:21. 20 minutes left to be presentable for the rest of the day. No time left. to be nothing. time. time to get moving. Walking to the bathroom, my dog meets me halfway. "oh, hey". pet pet pet I pat him on the head. "Oh, you're soft" I indulge in petting him for 20 seconds more. His tail starts wagging like crazy. At least I'll make one I made someone happy today. Bathroom: Brush spit, rinse, lather, rinse. A look in the mirror, naked face. Room: tshirt, sweater, jeans, extremely long socks-eyeliner, curl, mascara, eyebrows? no-coat,scarf,backpack-6:41-sunrise.