or in spanish : como el nos ama.
dear God,
i'm back. thank you for accepting me back into your presence, yet again.
I want to be able to tell you all the things I've been telling so many people in the past week, but I know that you know the words I am going to say and you know the thoughts that I have thought... and all I can say is.. i'm sorry.
I let the bitterness of my heart get the best of me and I gave over my mind to it. I was bitter against your people, and the church in which you have blessed me with. I was sick and tired of it all God, but what I really found and realized was that I was sick of myself. I was sick of the way I bowed down to the people around me, and oh so nicely gave in to the requests that were tossed my way. "Yes" and "Of Course" were my answers until one day, I had had enough of it all. My innate selfishness had come out to play and it was not going to be obedient and go home to sleep after a long day of wandering around-it was here to stay. It said so many things like, "I refuse to be treated like this" or "I deserve so much better, screw this shit."
All I could think of was how my life was being effected by everything going on around me. I wanted my life to hold value, I wanted to travel, I wanted to be fashionable, I wanted people to know me, I wanted to show complete strangers that I am someone if they just took one look at me. But what is all of this? The center of it all is me. But what is the value of all of this? I thought I was finally free; free of anyone telling me what to do and free of a what seemed to be now a cult-ish organization that was trying to take advantage of my blind obedience. But after just a few days, I felt strange. I didn't want to go about labeling myself as feeling sinful, miserable because of my sin, or guilty. No-I refuse labels. Don't you dare call me rebellious or lost, because I know what i'm doing-or at least, that's what I thought. Just after a few days... I felt strange. What was that feeling? It was no feeling, but some sort of conflict inside my gut. There was pressure everywhere inside and something was trying to come out a winner. Unfortunately, no matter how anti conformist and politically correct I wanted to be about labels, I knew deep inside my head and my heart that there was something waging inside me: demons. These demons were different than any I have felt before. They did not resist to Bible study, nor make me feel sick to my stomach when entering the church on Sunday morning. These demons were smart, and knew that they probably weren't leaving for a while. They knew me and they knew my state of being. No matter, it still felt strange and I let them stay as I just let the days pass, but after these few days, I wanted them out, no, I needed them out. So I allowed myself to talk to people, the exact people who I held bitterness against. I poured out everything I was feeling and I didn't let them take the same tone with me again. I made good arguments and they accepted them. This was surprising and a quite different outcome than how the demons were telling me. They were telling me that these people are stones and do not move, but these people listened to me, understood me, and tried to help me. What's so wrong with that?
Then I came to a realization that maybe... just maybe I was being wrong too. Was my reaction too strong? No way- I was right; I was completely and utterly right, there is no way that I could be wrong. But as I thought about this more, I knew that I was wrong too. But against who... who is this whole thing about anyway?
This was all about you, God. These battles waged inside of me, were all about you and how I couldn't serve you because you weren't real enough to me. Without anyone telling me what to do anymore or being "freed" from my reign of terror, there wasn't any reason for me to believe in you and the doubts came piling in. But these doubts led to the demons coming in and nesting inside.
I realized that I needed to look at things differently and have a different perspective.
I came to know that I just want to know the truth-the real way to live.
So here I am, God, honest and rugged. I just want to seek you, God, and know what you are all about.. and know more about you. I have no idea where this will take me, but tonight you lead me to talk to wonderful people who lead me to wonderful things and I came to listen to such wonderful words that hit my soul and vibrated all throughout my body, making me know that you are real God. Maybe not to the full extent, but I know that you are real and that you do love me. You lack nothing, and when I am in line with your Spirit, I do not lack anything as well. God, I repent of my bitterness against those people, I want to let go of all of that and just be free in seeking you. Because in you, I am free, completely free.
