i have shoulder pains.
it feels tense. they're giving me a migraine. makes me want to give up.
isn't it interesting , that doing nothing produces stress and doing much produces endorphins, which in turn, produces a sense (may be false) of joy and accomplishment . ?
I've been doing absolutely nothing for the past 1.5 weeks and it feels like crap. There's a stress monster following me, climbing unto my shoulders and gripping them strongly with its claws. I'm dying. I don't know if i can make it.
I need to start doing something. Make this pain go away. Cut the tension out of my life.
Why can't I just do something? I fear that in doing so, my failures and untouched "to-do/s" will spring out at me and stab me in the heart. I'm scared of success, because most probably, everything will fall apart. So, what's the point in trying in the first place?
goals. I need goals. a goal. I need a goal. I need. . a vision. something with a hook to pull me out of this muck.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I live with my parents
Dark.
I am suddenly I wake up to the sound of my mother's alarmed shouts, "6:30! 6:30!" Crap.
In my frantic fury I climb down the ladder of my bed, switch on the light, and take a quick look at the clock: 4 AM. Less frantic and more furious, I pretend-choke her; she laughs-I laugh inside. I get a glass of water. discomfort. I stand a while in the kitchen, realizing the opportunity to do so many things: take a shower, do the laundry, take some time for myself. I shrug this off and climb back up the ladder for another chance at peace.
Lighter.
Brring. Brring. The sound of my father calling me to wake up. He is in the other room. I look down to find an illuminating 6:15 staring up at me. Shoot. I only have weird socks left to wear. My hair is so greasy. I climb down the ladder, grab my phone, and immediately lie down on the couch,falling resting on a bunched up blanket. 6:21. 20 minutes left to be presentable for the rest of the day. No time left. to be nothing. time. time to get moving. Walking to the bathroom, my dog meets me halfway. "oh, hey". pet pet pet I pat him on the head. "Oh, you're soft" I indulge in petting him for 20 seconds more. His tail starts wagging like crazy. At least I'll make one I made someone happy today. Bathroom: Brush spit, rinse, lather, rinse. A look in the mirror, naked face. Room: tshirt, sweater, jeans, extremely long socks-eyeliner, curl, mascara, eyebrows? no-coat,scarf,backpack-6:41-sunrise.
In my frantic fury I climb down the ladder of my bed, switch on the light, and take a quick look at the clock: 4 AM. Less frantic and more furious, I pretend-choke her; she laughs-I laugh inside. I get a glass of water. discomfort. I stand a while in the kitchen, realizing the opportunity to do so many things: take a shower, do the laundry, take some time for myself. I shrug this off and climb back up the ladder for another chance at peace.
Lighter.
Brring. Brring. The sound of my father calling me to wake up. He is in the other room. I look down to find an illuminating 6:15 staring up at me. Shoot. I only have weird socks left to wear. My hair is so greasy. I climb down the ladder, grab my phone, and immediately lie down on the couch,
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Abandoned..
..is what i've done to this blog.
Alas- all is not in vain.
So- it's certainly been a while since I last spilled my guts out to the world wide web (a.k.a "www" in the www.google.com?).
Recent Happenings from the last 5 months: Got a job. My first job actually. Being a teller at Foster Bank. Every time I work, I serve Korean and occasional Foreign (non-Korean: oh the.. irony) customers. They bring cash, checks, money orders, and I take it from them and deposit it into their bank accounts. After each deposit, I ask them the question "Would you like your balance?" or in Korean: "Balance-uh teurul gah yo?" which is the equivalent of asking the question: "Would you like fries with that?" As months of mindless depositing and cash-outs passed by and I came to realize that although my job is important to all the people who so trustingly give me their forms of money to deposit- I on the other hand do not do so with such importance.
-I wrote this like 5 months ago. So i definitely forgot the point that i was attempting to ... show.. display.. whatever.-
Anyway.
Recent Happenings: Got a job. My second job after my prestigious occupation of being a bank teller, I am now an upright Library Aide at the University of Illinois at Chicago's Library of Health Sciences- Serials Unit.
What do I do day in and day out? Walk in- stamp journals - finish other small errands and sit down and blog about nonsensical things all the day long. Thank God for this job- I didn't think dream jobs like this truly existed.
*Now if someone is actually reading this... you might want to stop reading here because I kind of go on a rant about snow. *
So. Fall 2010 is almost over. In a week, actually and I will have a temporary freedom to do whatever I please (uhoh- watch out world! meh...) Winter is basically here *I warned you, you can stop reading right about here *because the calendar says so- It says that it's December now.. okay. People around me are weird- they say weird things like: "Oh, I wanted to wake up and see snow on the ground" "Oh I want snow to fall down from the sky" "Oh I love snow, because I don't think about what snow will turn into 10 weeks after it hits the ground". Cynical? Okay, maybe a little bit but I don't see the big deal. Snow is a pain- it makes my small wardrobe shrink back to always being only my coat and stupid generic ugg boots that I bought-which are definitely not waterproof, by the way. Snow can make people slip on the roads, giving them unnecessary rapid heart palpitations and great injuries as well. Sigh. People like to throw snow in each other's faces; and they pretend like it's cotton being smashed into their face, when in actuality, it's ironically burning your face-you know, when something is so cold, it starts to feel hot? Just like how if a goat tickling your feet with its tongue for an hour will later feel extremely painful?- I don't understand it. I guess I just need to get out more.
I feel like I really need to apologize if you read this whole thing for 3 reasons:
1.) The title has nothing to do with what I wrote
2.) I am a terrible writer jumping from hither to thither
3.) All of this has no point, whatsoever.
Have a good day!
Alas- all is not in vain.
So- it's certainly been a while since I last spilled my guts out to the world wide web (a.k.a "www" in the www.google.com?).
-I wrote this like 5 months ago. So i definitely forgot the point that i was attempting to ... show.. display.. whatever.-
Anyway.
Recent Happenings: Got a job. My second job after my prestigious occupation of being a bank teller, I am now an upright Library Aide at the University of Illinois at Chicago's Library of Health Sciences- Serials Unit.
What do I do day in and day out? Walk in- stamp journals - finish other small errands and sit down and blog about nonsensical things all the day long. Thank God for this job- I didn't think dream jobs like this truly existed.
*Now if someone is actually reading this... you might want to stop reading here because I kind of go on a rant about snow. *
So. Fall 2010 is almost over. In a week, actually and I will have a temporary freedom to do whatever I please (uhoh- watch out world! meh...) Winter is basically here *I warned you, you can stop reading right about here *because the calendar says so- It says that it's December now.. okay. People around me are weird- they say weird things like: "Oh, I wanted to wake up and see snow on the ground" "Oh I want snow to fall down from the sky" "Oh I love snow, because I don't think about what snow will turn into 10 weeks after it hits the ground". Cynical? Okay, maybe a little bit but I don't see the big deal. Snow is a pain- it makes my small wardrobe shrink back to always being only my coat and stupid generic ugg boots that I bought-which are definitely not waterproof, by the way. Snow can make people slip on the roads, giving them unnecessary rapid heart palpitations and great injuries as well. Sigh. People like to throw snow in each other's faces; and they pretend like it's cotton being smashed into their face, when in actuality, it's ironically burning your face-you know, when something is so cold, it starts to feel hot? Just like how if a goat tickling your feet with its tongue for an hour will later feel extremely painful?- I don't understand it. I guess I just need to get out more.
I feel like I really need to apologize if you read this whole thing for 3 reasons:
1.) The title has nothing to do with what I wrote
2.) I am a terrible writer jumping from hither to thither
3.) All of this has no point, whatsoever.
Have a good day!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Nostalgia & not wanting to go back.
The Spring semester of 2010 is finally over.
I ended up not failing my math class. Hooray!
So my grades look shoddy, but it's A-OK! Because it really got me thinking
about my future.
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a teacher, not because I knew why but because
the image of it looked so good in my head. I was 3 inches taller in my daydreams so it was easier
to look at myself as an upright role model for all the little kids I was teaching.
Standing at the blackboard with my clean piece of chalk I would neatly write out the math problems,
or have them all sit in a small crowd in front of me as I read them a class children's book.
This image looks so good, and that has been the thing that kept me going, holding on to that "vision"
of becoming an educator for little kids. But soon enough, that "vision" turned into practicality as my parents
convinced me to go into secondary education for math, just because I would surely get a job.
-stop- I went through my whole first year of college thinking that I would become a math teacher, preferably at Lane Tech because it was a familiar place to fall back on. But when the reality of failing my math class came into play, that's where everything came crashing down. My mansion of fake images and corrupted visions set on fire as my dusty mind came out to play and its gears started to creakily spin, allowing me to
deeply think about the potential that I really have and the valuable things that I could contribute to this ever
so glamorous world.
I could keep going about whatever is going on ^up there^ but then my title for this entry wouldn't make any sense. So continuing on:
What comes to mind, thinking about that word which means-in my definition- to think pleasantly back on the past? Perhaps ice cream cones, walks in the park, playing at the beach, swing sets, laughter or jokes?
Today I logged on to facebook and found that some people were going to be traveling this summer and having a great time wherever they're going to go. This made me nostalgic about my last summer in Korea, thinking about the people there who I had so much fun with and all the laughter and shopping and good eating that happened. But why is it that the extremely hot and humid weather, strenuous climbs up hills, and arguments with good friends don't bother to enter into this "vivid" picture?
.jpg)
I ended up not failing my math class. Hooray!
So my grades look shoddy, but it's A-OK! Because it really got me thinking
about my future.
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a teacher, not because I knew why but because
the image of it looked so good in my head. I was 3 inches taller in my daydreams so it was easier
to look at myself as an upright role model for all the little kids I was teaching.
Standing at the blackboard with my clean piece of chalk I would neatly write out the math problems,
or have them all sit in a small crowd in front of me as I read them a class children's book.
This image looks so good, and that has been the thing that kept me going, holding on to that "vision"
of becoming an educator for little kids. But soon enough, that "vision" turned into practicality as my parents
convinced me to go into secondary education for math, just because I would surely get a job.
-stop- I went through my whole first year of college thinking that I would become a math teacher, preferably at Lane Tech because it was a familiar place to fall back on. But when the reality of failing my math class came into play, that's where everything came crashing down. My mansion of fake images and corrupted visions set on fire as my dusty mind came out to play and its gears started to creakily spin, allowing me to
deeply think about the potential that I really have and the valuable things that I could contribute to this ever
so glamorous world.
I could keep going about whatever is going on ^up there^ but then my title for this entry wouldn't make any sense. So continuing on:
Nostalgia
What comes to mind, thinking about that word which means-in my definition- to think pleasantly back on the past? Perhaps ice cream cones, walks in the park, playing at the beach, swing sets, laughter or jokes?
Today I logged on to facebook and found that some people were going to be traveling this summer and having a great time wherever they're going to go. This made me nostalgic about my last summer in Korea, thinking about the people there who I had so much fun with and all the laughter and shopping and good eating that happened. But why is it that the extremely hot and humid weather, strenuous climbs up hills, and arguments with good friends don't bother to enter into this "vivid" picture?
My point is that nostalgia always makes me want to go back to that place instead of enjoying this time
int the future. Right now I have a job, and it consumes my time, and looking back to Korea or other times
it makes me want to quit and leave the country just like everyone else. But Today I'm making a decision to stay where I am and grow, working on the relationships around me and especially on my relationship with God. For once I come out of my nostalgic state to not want to go back there, but stay here and open new windows, doors, gates, whatever of opportunity.
.jpg)
Hahahaha stupid nostalgic picture
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
B-e-a-yootiful
What defines beauty?
Could it be to have long, silky blond hair, exotic eye color, a slim figure?
Korean girls try their best to dodge the sun as they slather on their sunblock lotions and parade around
under their lacy parasols-for to be darkskinned would be death.
Or could it be that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Yet would the beholder be beautiful in our eyes?
Can our eyes be the only thing that measures what beauty is?
???
These questions sprouted out of my mind as I was sitting in bio class, of course not paying attention but
blankly staring at my professor as he lolled on and on about .. what was it? .. ecology-
when I noticed the young man sitting in front of me. His hair was getting a little long and I played out a scene
in my head as I brazenly walked up to him as I presented the idea of getting a haircut, at the same time
becoming his friend (hopefully?)
I was pulled out of this little playful thought as I noticed a little machine settled down on his lap.
Oh? What could this be... feeling the little flicker of my eyes grazing over this foreign object.
There, I saw some buttons, five little ones for his left hand and five other little ones for his right hand.
And underneath those buttons were bunches of raised, spherical dots, all right next to each other, but mostly
were clumped into individual groups. What an organized chaos it is.
It hit me. This young man was stripped of one of the greatest senses of the human race: sight.
Blind. blind. blind.
This word is used to describe those who can not see with the two things that are lodged into their skulls.
But can they really not see..? Anything??
This is where another day dream enters in as I think about Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf.
When I was younger, I watched a movie about her life and this one scene stuck out to me: when she is alone
with her teacher's fiance.
They talk, and have a nice conversation until the conversation comes to the subject of kissing. Keller says something along the lines of : "Oh, I've never been kissed before, but how I would really like to try! Just once! But who would be ever so willing to kiss this dumb and useless girl?" Okay, maybe it didn't sound exactly like that, but it certainly rang out the desperation in her voice as she sadly speaks this line.
The fiance of Keller's teacher just listens, and is intrigued, he thinks, "Well this poor girl has never been kissed! How unfortunate this is, I will really be doing her a favor for she truly wants to have the knowledge of what a kiss would feel like. Oh, I'll just kiss her; just once!" And so, he kneels over and kisses her. Then Keller's teacher walks in. oops.
Anyway. The point is... what was the point? Oh, well as I was thinking about Helen Keller, I daydreamed a little more as i imagined dating this blind young man. The question of beauty sprouts out here, as I thought about how this blind boyfriend of mine would never know what I look like, but would he want to?
If time was not spent on how I look, then that time would be spent on the observation and analysis of the person inside of me: my soul.
Would he still think I was beautiful?
If he could see every little thing that was a part of me, every good and every bad thing then clearly, he could judge my character?
This goes back to the question of really being able to see.
Although this young man is blind and can not use his eyes to see colors or faces, anything.
I am guessing that he can see many other things that are much deeper that our eyes can not even
begin to envision.
We're not superman.
Could it be to have long, silky blond hair, exotic eye color, a slim figure?
Korean girls try their best to dodge the sun as they slather on their sunblock lotions and parade around
under their lacy parasols-for to be darkskinned would be death.
Or could it be that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Yet would the beholder be beautiful in our eyes?
Can our eyes be the only thing that measures what beauty is?
???
These questions sprouted out of my mind as I was sitting in bio class, of course not paying attention but
blankly staring at my professor as he lolled on and on about .. what was it? .. ecology-
when I noticed the young man sitting in front of me. His hair was getting a little long and I played out a scene
in my head as I brazenly walked up to him as I presented the idea of getting a haircut, at the same time
becoming his friend (hopefully?)
I was pulled out of this little playful thought as I noticed a little machine settled down on his lap.
Oh? What could this be... feeling the little flicker of my eyes grazing over this foreign object.
There, I saw some buttons, five little ones for his left hand and five other little ones for his right hand.
And underneath those buttons were bunches of raised, spherical dots, all right next to each other, but mostly
were clumped into individual groups. What an organized chaos it is.
It hit me. This young man was stripped of one of the greatest senses of the human race: sight.
Blind. blind. blind.
This word is used to describe those who can not see with the two things that are lodged into their skulls.
But can they really not see..? Anything??
This is where another day dream enters in as I think about Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf.
When I was younger, I watched a movie about her life and this one scene stuck out to me: when she is alone
with her teacher's fiance.
They talk, and have a nice conversation until the conversation comes to the subject of kissing. Keller says something along the lines of : "Oh, I've never been kissed before, but how I would really like to try! Just once! But who would be ever so willing to kiss this dumb and useless girl?" Okay, maybe it didn't sound exactly like that, but it certainly rang out the desperation in her voice as she sadly speaks this line.
The fiance of Keller's teacher just listens, and is intrigued, he thinks, "Well this poor girl has never been kissed! How unfortunate this is, I will really be doing her a favor for she truly wants to have the knowledge of what a kiss would feel like. Oh, I'll just kiss her; just once!" And so, he kneels over and kisses her. Then Keller's teacher walks in. oops.
Anyway. The point is... what was the point? Oh, well as I was thinking about Helen Keller, I daydreamed a little more as i imagined dating this blind young man. The question of beauty sprouts out here, as I thought about how this blind boyfriend of mine would never know what I look like, but would he want to?
If time was not spent on how I look, then that time would be spent on the observation and analysis of the person inside of me: my soul.
Would he still think I was beautiful?
If he could see every little thing that was a part of me, every good and every bad thing then clearly, he could judge my character?
This goes back to the question of really being able to see.
Although this young man is blind and can not use his eyes to see colors or faces, anything.
I am guessing that he can see many other things that are much deeper that our eyes can not even
begin to envision.
We're not superman.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Starbucks Contest!
Hey all (those who read this)
I'm trying to win some stuff from starbucks through this person : The Fashionable Housewife
You can win a Starbucks messenger bag with 110$
and a starbucks gift card for 10 bucks
and 4 Starbucks light frappucinos!
Go here! http://www.thefashionablehousewife.com/04/2010/starbucks-frappuccino-giveaway-2-winners/comment-page-1/#comment-50895
and here! http://www.frappuccino.com
w00t!
I'm trying to win some stuff from starbucks through this person : The Fashionable Housewife
You can win a Starbucks messenger bag with 110$
and a starbucks gift card for 10 bucks
and 4 Starbucks light frappucinos!
Go here! http://www.thefashionablehousewife.com/04/2010/starbucks-frappuccino-giveaway-2-winners/comment-page-1/#comment-50895
and here! http://www.frappuccino.com
w00t!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)